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I had a dream the other night that there was a catastrophic event… - elution [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]

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[Jun. 23rd, 2011|10:28 pm]
I had a dream the other night that there was a catastrophic event that destroyed society as we know it, and it was terrifying but beautiful.

Walking home tonight, I thought about now convenient a catastrophic event could be.

Problems yet unsolved:
(1) My paper was rejected, again
(2) My current experiment is not working
(3) This makes it hard to be appropriately enthusiastic about Shawn's publication (although I am an author on that too)
(4) Pain in both illotibial bands
(5) Pain in left plantar fascia
(6) Pain in left patellar tendon
(7) 56 days to advancement. I no longer know what I am doing.

I still can't believe NLM rejected my paper. I could have addressed every last one of their criticisms. Every one. Larry was so kind to me about it. He was so supportive. You're smart, you're bright, you're a good scientists, you get it, he says. I fucking hope he's right.

Problems previously solved:
(1) Extensor tendinitis
(2) Ridiculous skin problems
(3) Lack of great sex/making out

I guess S is the most positive thing in my life right now, and that seems like an unreasonable amount of pressure to put on him. You know, sometimes we hang out and there are these awkward pauses in the conversation, and I think, shit, this can never work. And we talk on the phone a couple times a week, and I'm so fucking bad at that. Tonight he wanted to talk about Candice, and I kept pausing for him to talk more, and whenever I pause he just moves the conversation on to the next topic.

I don't know. Fuck. I have so much anxiety, ruminating over everything lately. Work. Work. Work. Fuck.

But, you know what, I will solve all of these problems too. I believe that this is a real effect, and if I give the study adequate power it will emerge. Joe pointed out, what I have right now is an adequately powered study with p=0.004, and an underpowered study that is not significant (really, really not significant), so why would I believe the one that's underpowered?

ITBS was a matter of time; every runner deals with it. I just have to take it easy, stretch a lot, not overdo mileage.

Shawn's paper is my paper too. The publication is a good thing. I became curious about how the pill affects cognition 5 years ago, and now I am an author on a paper about it.

I will have to work incredibly hard to get my advancement done, and it is just a matter of time and effort. I can do it.

This thing with S is good. He brings a lot of new things into my life, and that is exactly what I wanted. To be expanded. And he is always open to doing new things with me. And fuck, I just fucking love the way he touches me. Yeah, actually, he is exactly what I wanted. Maybe I am a little scared it will go away. But then he says the stuff about the meeting the family, and that gives me a sense of security, I think.

Ben has been calling me a lot lately. I guess he misses me.
Me: the last haircut I got was the one you bought me at that place in Silver Lake
B: Oh, yeah. Why did I buy it for you?
Me: you used to do shit like that all the time
him: that doesn't sound like me
me: sure, you used to do shit like that all the time, buy me flowers for no reason.
him: that's not the kind of thing I do
me: but you did.

subtext: I've never loved anyone the way I loved you
unspokenreply: yeah but you fucked it up asshole and I'm happier now

My abs hurt and I want to drink a lot tonight but I also want to work out incredibly hard tomorrow morning.