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[Sep. 24th, 2009|01:09 am] |
Nicole, he whispers, his mouth femtometers away.
I can feel it in every molecule of his body: he wants to shove me up against the window and he wants to grind his dick against me until he can't hold himself back anymore, and then he'll either disappoint me by going home or invite himself into my bedroom.
I can still feel his teeth marks throbbing against my lips as I write this. I walked away, grasping his wrist, stumbling over the front step, awkwardly saying good night.
--Rewind a few minutes.
What did you mean when you said you had terrible judgment around me, he asks.
I mean, oh god, stammeringstammeringohfuck, I guess, well, I don't want us to, um, be awkward at parties. I mean, fuck it, I think I feel things for you that you don't feel for me and it's better if we can just be friends and have these talks-- I say all this so convincingly I almost believe it.
So you know, we talk about condensed matter and the nature of things, and I "walk him out" the six meters outside the front door, fully knowing what's about to happen. Do I kiss him or does he kiss me. This was six minutes ago and I couldn't for my life tell you. I hugged him and held on as he talked, physically inviting him to kiss me, I think. And he did, and I granted him the exquisite agony of not knowing what was going to happen next.
I can only assume that when he kissed me he felt what I feel when he kisses me. Fuck me, I can still smell him on my hands. What words for it. I feel unsheathed, unbridled, starved, comforted. I feel high. I feel like I'm on every drug I've ever taken.
I give him too much credit. I know this.
I know this as he sits across from me drinking the drink I invited him in for, and I notice how grotesquely thin his head is and how his veins pop out bidding an unpleasant hello. I try to remind myself of all the things I find despicable about him, knowing I will need them as ammunition later.
Later, like that moment on my porch when he is equally torn. I know if I invite him in he will come, 9am condensed matter class be damned.
--
I asked him why he broke up with OtherAnna and he talks about how vain she is. She cares about her appearance, her hair, so on. So do you, I say. He doesn't know what to do with that.
--
fuck, fuck, fuck. I love Ben more than anything and don't understand what stupidity compels me toward this idiot. We are Allowed to See Other People; I planned for This Contingency; but it's not it's not it's not what I thought these things were supposed to look like. I love him and he loves me and I want us to be good to each other and not hurt each other and I don't know how this could possibly not hurt him. |
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[Sep. 17th, 2008|10:16 pm] |
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I have a couple ideas/projects brewing and I have never been more excited in my life!!!!!! |
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[Jun. 20th, 2008|07:38 am] |
Usually I use a good chunk of my second paycheck of the month for rent.
But I don't have rent anymore.
So....pay off some random student loan? Put it in savings? Continue buying every sexy dress and shoe and drink I want? Put it in the eb2 wedding fund? Open an IRA? This is the best problem I have ever had in my life, I think.
From yesterday's 1,064 line gchat with eb2:
eb2: So, I keep thinking about that offer to go down to Sacramento.
me: yeah?
eb2: Can we do that when I visit you in July?
me: ......you're visiting in July?
eb2: I'm hoping you'll want me to.
Who is this guy!
Work has been pretty damn great lately. For whatever reason, we have been having a large percentage of inclusions lately, which means the study moves forward at the same rate while we do way less work. Awesome. And they've been easy, good screens too! Yesterday we interviewed and made an offer to a new RA who is going to take over for Sasha, and Alex is going to take over my position. I secretly hope he sucks next to me!
Levinson loves to joke about how I hate depression and depressed people. During the interview yesterday he made some joke about how strange it is that I can hate depressed people so much yet be so good at my job. It totally totally totally made my day. |
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[Jun. 19th, 2008|07:51 am] |
Last night, Shalimar with Charlie (from college). Pen and her shitty friend from school joined us. Sixpack of Anchor Steam from the corner store: I had 3 (4?) and was
GONE
afterward.
Pen's friend was a nightmare. What a fucking bitch. At one point she asked what my major had been in college. I told her biopsychology. She said, "Biopsychology....what can you do with that major, anyway."
I said, "I'm a scientist at Stanford."
ha HA. And of course she sort of devolved from there.
All 3 of them ganged up on me for not eating. I tried, I honestly tried, and I did as much as I could. And Shal's palak paneer is possibly my favorite food in the world. Could not get more than a few bites down. Realized that this has been going on for a MONTH. That is a long fucking time to neither eat nor sleep properly. Seriously considering going to the doctor although I have no idea what s/he could possibly do for me.
Pen and shitty friend left without paying. I literally ran after them on the street and P gave me $10. Whatever. She's pissed that I blew off the show we were supposed to go to. Again, whatever.
I tried to convince C that no, I really could not go to Rye and have $10 cocktails.....but he convinced me that I could. We had amazing drinks and I begged compliments off him. He's lost a lot of weight lately and looks amazing.
Things with eb2 have naturally gotten completely out of hand. If we progress in this direction at this pace we will be picking out our future children's names by this afternoon. Or perhaps we already did that last night; once again I don't remember a damn thing we talked about. And I remember it was gooooooooooood too.
SBux guy flirted with me again this morning. Bless him. |
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[Jun. 16th, 2008|05:17 pm] |
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AND HE READ MY LIVEJOURNAL! HI BEN! FUCK YOU! |
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[Jun. 16th, 2008|03:33 pm] |
HELLO DRAMARAMA
ben: so how'd you meet charlie
me: are you reading my email again?
ben: you left your gmail open, i wasn't snooping
me: fuck you |
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[Jun. 16th, 2008|12:38 pm] |
Unremitting insomnia has, unsurprisingly, failed to remit. Last night went to sleep c. 1am (see a pattern?) and woke up at 5am. I accidentally reset my clock an hour fast so I thought it was 6am and dragged myself out of bed.
The truly ridiculous part is that I think I'm starting to adjust to this. Am not all that tired today (okay, 1 medium coffee and 1 cup of tea later) and was alert and clever enough to play an 81 point word versus eb2 in fb Scrabble.
So eb2 is even worse than I am about intellectual competition and has strict rules for Scrabble, one of which is that if you score a 40+ point word, you get to ask your opponent any question and s/he has to answer truthfully. So far, he has gotten two and used up one of his questions on the phone the other night ("why were you unwilling to do a long-distance relationship with Ben yet willing to engage in this whateverwe'redoing with me?" Clever, right?)
So, from today's deliciously flirty gchat:
eb2: I just figured out what I'm going to use my [other] question for.
me: ok go!
eb2: Nah
me: why not?
eb2: I'm going to wait until you fall in love with me but don't want to admit it.
...........REALLY????????????? Like, the poetry and late night phone calls and spontaneous $1000 trip--that's one thing. But LOVE? I don't know, man. iLove. Not my scene.
(....yet...?) |
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[Jun. 15th, 2008|06:14 am] |
FUCK I love my life so much.
Last night after all my reticence I joined up with Jon, Hanne, and Mike at El Rio--Lea, Ousi, and Floria showed up after a couple hands of Asshole. It was. So. Much. Fun. I can't even explain. I have been so reluctant to go out with any of them since Ben and I broke up because I think if there's any side-choosing, they should choose him. But there was no weirdness, just beer and hilarity. Mike made another comment about me being SOOO AMAZINGLY SMART and it felt awesome. I flirt with EVERYONE now that I'm single and that adds this extra element of life being crazy and fun. I think I'm a lot less self-conscious when I'm single because I don't feel like a "representative" of boyfriend or relationship. I can just be ridiculous.
I have sort of a reputation for leaving suddenly after 1 drink but last night I made it through 3 before calling it quits. Started texting eb2 furiously and thought I was no longer being subtle after the 10th or whatever message, so I calmly announced that I was going to leave suddenly after my next Stella, and then I did. Called eb2 while I was walking home and he was sooooooooo dreeeeeeammmmmyyyyyyy again ALL NIGHT. Um, PS, if the conversation from the night before did not border on phonesex, that situation has since been remedied. Ooooooooooops! It's interesting to me that we both seem to have completely abandoned any mental/emotional barriers between us--seems sort of dangerous and stupid, but also completely romantic and passionate and fun. There's a high probability I will eat my words and feel really dumb for this later, but at this point, having shared all that we have with each other and spent so much time talking to each other, I just can't see any way we could fail to get along.
Also have lost a full 10 pounds and see no hint of my appetite recovering. Last night I tried really hard to have some flax chips and hummus before going out but only made it through a couple chips and gave up quickly on the hummus. I literally had to force myself to eat some more chips so I wouldn't be drinking on an empty stomach. This is really bizarre but whatever, I'll take it. My clothes from when I was skinny are starting to fit again and I look so hot. I think. ( For today's narcissism, see the new dress I bought yesterday! ) |
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[Jun. 14th, 2008|06:36 pm] |
Somehow I managed to swing a free apartment from 6 July to 8 August in exchange for catsitting a very nice cat. The girl I'm sitting for seems really cool and I hope we hang out and are friends.
After visiting the apartment, Pen and I had lunch at Cafe Gratitude, a vegan "live food" restaurant. The name of every dish is a self-affirming statement. I had "I'm Terrific". Pen had "I'm Generous" and "I'm Red Hot".
...seriously.
Also bought a cute, overpriced top and two overpriced lattes.
Jon et al. are going out for falafel and drinks at El Rio after; I promised to meet them for drinks but am sooooo sleeeeeeeppppyyyyyyyyy.
Oh, and update from this morning: against Pen's advising, I called eb2 to find out what horrible things I said. Apparently....nothing. I think I was a little annoying and think our conversation may have bordered on phone sex, but overall, I would say crisis was averted.
After we got off the phone I honestly could not stop smiling for at least 10 minutes. I drove past his hotel and it is SWANKY. This better not suck. |
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[Jun. 14th, 2008|05:19 am] |
I had an entire 2 hour phone call with eb2 last night that I was too drunk to remember. Okay, I remember him talking at length about his ex-girlfriend, whom I have actively avoided discussing. Otherwise not a damn thing. Fuck. Really really really hope I did not say anything too ridiculous. Really.
Jon had a tiny dinner party last night. This lesbian from Wellesley came and for some reason I decided to try to hit on her. It was really hard! I now understand why men find it so difficult!
The thing he made had sardines in it so I told everyone I had eaten already. Which was true, if you counted the 2 tofu spring rolls I had when I got home from work. I honestly have been trying to eat as am so desperate for sleep but have been pretty damn unsuccessful. Anyway, according to my phone I probably went to sleep c. 1am and slept continuously until about 4:45. Not very confident I will be able to fall back to sleep.
Going to see freebie apartment today at 2pm. Really hope this works out. |
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[Jun. 12th, 2008|08:08 am] |
So I guess this has turned into Nicole's Insomnia Blog.
Last night, fed up, took 25mg diphenhydramine at 7:00pm. Slept from about 8:00 to 8:45.
Seriously?
Seriously.
Ate something and went back to bed. Slept off and on and off and on and off and on. (The best off was when I woke up c. midnight to a text from eb2: Goodnight, beautiful.) Woke up at 6am feeling groggy and thirsty. Tried Caffeine Alternative (rocking out to really loud music in the car) and bought another $4 bullshit latte anyway.
Ran into Angela, my former sort-of boss, at the Menlo Park S-bucks. Sat and talked for a few. She is charming and lovely and completely artificial as always. Seems happy. Truth is, I enjoy these chance encounters so I have a chance to brag about grad school. Sincerely hope I do not fail out and regret my incessant bragging.
Jon is home from NY so we had a drink at the LP last night. It was weird. Apparently Ben is really sad and also not sleeping and doesn't really understand why we broke up. And didn't really talk to Jon about it except to say that it happened. Y chromosome. Stupid.
I'm so tired.
Hope this latte kicks in soon. |
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[Jun. 11th, 2008|12:32 am] |
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What the fuck am I doing. |
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[Jun. 10th, 2008|04:17 am] |
This cannot be happening.
I woke up at 5:30 yesterday. It was fine. Was not that tired. Went to sleep around 11 (?).
Woke up at 3am.
Can't get back to sleep.
Have been trying, trying, trying for over an hour.
This is so fucked up.
Fucking bullshit. |
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[Jun. 8th, 2008|10:29 pm] |
Cuuuuuuuuute text from eb#2 and then, unexpectedly, a long facebook message from LSG, who I thought had been captured by Thai pirates or something. So a good night. Not really sure why I am suddenly anxious and completely unable to sleep. Maybe the yerba mate tea Pen brought me. We sat in Dolores Park for a few hours--wanted to sit and read March, but she wanted to gossip about boys instead. So we did.
Went to Dog Eared Books and lost all control of myself and got 5 more books. Then dinner at Cha Ya. Pen forced me to eat this time. I had most of my soba salad but could not finish my miso soup. She thinks I look thinner toooooo!
Really hope am not lying awake tossing and turning in hopes eb#2 calls. Again, feelings are gay gay gay gay gay gay gayyyyyyy. |
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[Jun. 7th, 2008|09:15 pm] |
Home, tired, sunburned.
Wednesday's drive down was nice. Good weather, good CDs, including an hour of This American Life and a couple hours of Feynman lectures. Tried to eat several times during the day but was not very successful. Met Amy at LAX; we had In-n-Out, went back to Christina's and drank wine all night while codifying our inclusion and exclusion criteria for future boyfriends.
Thursday we tried to go shopping but Crossroads in West Hollywood didn't open until noon (!!!!) so we had brunch instead at some cafe. Went to see the Sex and the City movie with Christina. Thoroughly enjoyed it although disagreed with many of the decisions the characters made. Is everyone Miranda, or just me and Amy?
Dinner at a crappy Chinese place, then Christina took us to a Lindy Hop class and dance. It was some combination of mortifying and fun. Was surreptitiously thrilled at being touched by dozens of sweaty, strange men, even though none of them were attractive. We snuck off for margaritas after a few hours.
Friday, lots of shopping. I almost bought several things that made me look like a prostitute and settled on a verryyyyy cute dress from H&M (if I drink enough tonight will take pictures and flickr them). Came to the conclusion while shopping that I am definitely Hot Enough and if I met me off the internet I wouldn't be disappointed. (Yes, am wondering if e-bachelor #2 will find a reason to show up in San Francisco.) I need really tall heels to finish the outfit. Almost paid $70 for green heels from Nine West but restrained myself.
That evening, we went out with Christina and her doctor friends. "Dr. Sexy" paid for everyone's drinks which was amazing. Went back to Christina's and played Trivial Pursuit. I somehow managed to black out after no more than 6 drinks, which is like....a slow night for me. I have no idea what happened. One minute I was Trivial Pursuiting, and the next thing I remember was waking up this morning. Really bizarre. Think possibly related to the fact that I have essentially replaced food with coffee and alcohol. Yes, I have started drinking coffee again, and am doing it about twice a day.
The drive home today was pretty long and tedious. Have done all my mental sorting out.
I have been looking for apartments on Craigs List and been ridiculously successful. Have only sent a couple emails and gotten several replies. I went to see a place in the Inner Richmond last week and the guy offered it to me on Thursday. I'm torn between taking it so that everything is done and I have somewhere to live and holding out for something better. My only hesitation with it is really the price. It's 800/month, which is more than I pay now, and another woman I've been emailing with is offering a FREE month in exchange for cat-sitting. I'm sure there's some huge catch, like I have to blow the doorman every time I go inside.
But I would be willing to give a couple BJs to save 800 bucks, I think. |
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[May. 29th, 2008|09:44 am] |
Slept at Dave and Allie's yesterday.
Allison is finally officially pregnant. 12 weeks and 3 days. I am not going to live here when it's born. That is fucked up.
I think I would have slept through the night had Pen not called me frantically 8 times. She got drunk and had a post-coital argument with her teacher. Who cares. Honestly, not to be a dick, but would you really wake someone up for that? Someone who's going through a lot of their own crap?
Since I keep waking up around 6:15, I thought I would beat myself to the punch and set my alarm for 6:00.
I woke up at 5:44.
Had not really eaten in a while and all I could think about was where I'd be able to find an everything bagel with cream cheese between D&A's house and Palo Alto. As I was trying to make a smooth exit, Dave asked if I wanted one of the bagels they brought back from NY.
Am going to bring home thank you/congratulations flowers tonight, but wish there was something else I could do for them. |
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[May. 28th, 2008|10:53 pm] |
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I am in Dave and Allison's basement. Dave fixed all the things I hate about my computer. Allison is pregnant (FINALLY!!!!!) and I can't tell anyone. I am a little drunk. |
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[May. 28th, 2008|12:05 pm] |
Last night fell asleep at 1am and woke up at 6ish. Again no alarm. This is starting to get a little old. Would have liked to sleep until about 8ish optimally. Replacing food with alcohol and not sleeping is really starting to take its toll. Pen and her eating disorder encouraged my decided lack of good judgment in this regard.
We now have 23 people waiting to be interviewed so I have absolutely no guilt about being a huge slacker at work. That is approximately 3 months worth of work. If I did absolutely nothing between now and leaving for grad school we would still be in better shape than we were when Dr. Johnson had my job. I am so fucking overpaid. Sorry, taxpayers.
Last night Ben wanted to Talk so I ended my almost 24-hour streak of not crying. He wants to be friends, wanted to make me dinner, blah blah blah. Wish he would go back to being shitty to me.
Finally talked to T and told her. She advised me strongly to take Dave up on their offer. She said something incredibly wise to the effect of, "it can be really rewarding to be able to give something to someone". Talking to her made me really, really sad I'm not moving to Austin. Jane and Jamie bought a house with an extra room. Wish I was staying in it.
Anyway, will try to sleep somewhere else tonight.
Waaah. |
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[May. 27th, 2008|09:03 pm] |
I again like the crap out of Dave. He offered me the extra room next to their garage. I still feel like they have done too much for us for me to ever take anything from them again. He said I could clean the chicken coop if I feel too guilty. Then he asked when we were going to hang out, and I told him to come drink with me, and he agreed not only to drink but to come to the Mission to do it. We postponed until tomorrow anyway. He is a good good good good friend. I hope I do not accidentally have sex with him and ruin his marriage. Would be bad bad bad bad.
Jon naturally does not want to get in the middle of things but I would have liked it if he had asked at least once, how are you doing, are you ok, what happened, something. Went out with Pen tonight and mentioned how annoying she is.
Jon: Can't you find something to like about her?
Nicole: Is that what you do?
Jon: Yes, of course.
which explains a lot about him. And it turned out to be good advice. We went to the Sutro Baths and it was deliciously beautiful.
So, I have not yet cried today and slept for most of last night. It took a lot of effort but fell asleep around 11pm, woke up a couple times briefly, but otherwise slept until my alarm at 6:30. Still more or less off food but I will see that as a welcome side-effect.
Really, my life is not perfect because of him. It is perfect because of me. And it will be perfect for the next few months while I do whatever I want and make out with anyone I want to, and it will be perfect after that in grad school.
I hope I hope I hope I hope.
P.S. really if I'm going to have two internet boyfriends shouldn't one of them be available at all times? Why is no one flirting with me right now?
P.P.S. CRW wants to have sex in his office in Palo Alto tomorrow. Clearly this is a bad idea but I may or may not wear a tiny little skirt and tall, tall heels to work anyway. Come on, wouldn't it be hot? Officesex. mmmmmm. |
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[May. 26th, 2008|08:40 pm] |
Some things we can quantify, finally:
6.5 7.5 pounds lost in the last 7 8 days
4 hours of sleep last night
45 minute nap this evening.
So here it is, evidence that I am unhappy.
I like the crap out of Dave. Emailed to say would not be able to make it camping this weekend. He replied showing genuine concern. This is the first conversation we've ever had that did not involve making fun of each other.
Spent all day at work crying and feeling horrible; when I got home the boys were cooking and laughing and singing and acting like nothing had changed. So will no longer feel guilty for hurting him since apparently he is not all that hurt.
Really hope I sleep soon. |
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elution's journal